Neythan / English version

Neythan

By Gabriel Monteiro

Possibility of Revision, additions, exclusions.

Butterflies always come back ... it is their nature, some of the species, they are born far away, live lives, within their life, but always return to their nursery, their place of birth. In a way many of us humans are like that, no matter what complex mechanisms we have built to adapt to a social or familial environment ... we walk many different ways and ways in our lifetime, and when we least expect our more primary nature emerges at Conscious, making us what we are, no matter how many layers of new we have built around it!

I'm not Neythan.

Neythan was trapped within himself, possessed 2, 3, 4, or as many personalities needed to coexist with his desires, feelings, needs, duties imposed, and duties expected of him.

I am Lucas, the love that Neythan forbade to feel, I am the sensation, the desire for belonging that existed inside him by another man, today I understand it, more in the past when we met, I was also confused, in another depth, In a less evident way, experiencing fewer personalities ... but also locked in my world, in my cell, which I understand today, was not built by us ... we were born there and we followed the rules, and to fit in the forms chosen for us, in Deformed, become something between, our vocations, gifts and desires, and the character that is expected of us.

I am Lucas, by the irony of medical destiny. Very white by the Brazilian standard, red hair, I have many body hair, high, At that time of a closed religion, Neythan belonged to the same religion

When did I meet you? When did I see you for the first time?

I really have no idea, I know I was still very young, and it's like he's been my whole life by my side.

As a relative, a friend, someone who is part of your identity.

Although it is very clear, defined for me the presence of homosexual attraction in Neythan's personality, it is possible that he was bisexual by nature, since he used to show interest in the opposite sex when he was close to his sexual heterosexual friends. Although there are homosexuals who even marry, even claiming they have no real attraction for women ... The few reports of relationship or encounters that I heard about Neythan with the opposite sex involved confused and badly resolved stories ... more is common among bisexuals.

Being bisexual would explain his insistence on religion, many bisexuals feel socially more comfortable pretending to be only heterosexual, so they are socially comfortable, and are accepted, often opting for a double life, from time to time, when they feel homosexual attraction again.

Neythan, I can not define his color, he was white, but he was neither orange nor rosy, honey-colored hair and eyes, he was corpulent, always struggling to control his weight ... he was extremely charming, his communication nonverbal, Very efficient ... although with German name, its real ancestry was Italian, Its surname is classified like being toponímico, because its origin is geographical.

Neythan, with thick thighs like pillars of a temple, always sexually aroused, with penile volume in the highlighted fly ... body and facial expression of hunter ... contrast sometimes with the whirlwind of feelings that retained, it was strange because he only provoked, he was addicted To seduce ... and did so with the precision of an eagle.

Pectoral with the open social blouse, the invitation for a wine after religious worship, in the deserted street of the house where he was living ... the discovery that the desire to be just with one another can be greater than any convention, Or identity that has been imposed on us!

When the eyes touch stronger than the hugs, and the heat of the other's body emanates and you capture their emanations as an antenna the images ... When we no longer disguise our innermost intentions, when disguising ceases to make sense ... there were encounters and disagreements in those moments between me and him ...

Until the day of the stairs.

I went to wake him early, as we combined, to do a work together ... I entered the house of his relatives and renters who, when they were leaving, told me to go to his room that was the part ... as I approached he was lying down, The bedroom window where he lived was open,

Neythan was the type of meticulous man who controlled every detail of what you should see and understand ... that 'never' window was open ... this was the comment of one of the tenant relatives, observing from afar that the window was open ... " He must be awake, because that window is never opened in the morning! "

I approached and there I stopped next to the jamela, knew that he wanted to be observed, the renters left immediately for their works. He shirtless, assimilated my presence, spent a little time to make sure they would not come back ... he shifted on the bed, burly, of medium height, moaned a masculine name as if he were fucking ... he was sleeping just as I am at that moment that I write ...

He assured me, sure enough he wiped out any questions I had about what he 'liked' too. After a few moments he made her wake up and went to take a shower in the house of his renting relatives ... left the shower door open, and kept the dialogue with me, keeping me close to the door ... I saw him naked on the side, I almost walked in ... I was already Very excited physically, with my volume marking the trousers of the social trousers ...

... he came out of the bathroom, pants with suspenders, bare chest, we were very close, he felt my erection in his thigh back as he passed me towards a staircase that led to a large balcony on the 1st floor of Home of relatives Of the tenant, he stopped on a third of the steps ... he waited for me, and offered me help to climb the staircase, this was completely unnecessary, he touched my arm, I kissed him, first pulling through the pants suspenders to the My body, and I felt him wince with the strength of my arms.

I do not know how we got up there on the porch ... I just know for the first time on that ceramic floor, that feeling of belonging to the body of another ... when you can not rationally define where you begin and end the other ...

Neythan had few body hairs, with only feathers on his chest, arms, I was furrier, he was strong, but I dominated him, I entered him, I penetrated him in various ways, while he deliriated with pleasure ... when I returned, we kissed, We licked, licked, and we alternated between passive and active positions ... his penis was thick, mine too is ...

When one of us gave himself first to the weariness, the other accepted the request and rested between caresses, small bites, and kisses, which soon led us to the resumption of sexual activity, we went to the exhaustion of our bodies ... was already In the afternoon when he dozed like a child in my arms, the subtle wind swayed his thin strands of light hair ...

I felt that he woke up, tried to continue without movement pretending to sleep ... maybe he wanted to avoid my look, soon after all that, maybe he was not the same personality that was there next to my body, maybe it was a more convenient personality the double life that Him, and now I too would live

The fact check was inevitable, he got up looking for an imaginary watch on his wrist, avoided seeing me naked, "I have to go there" ... I got up, he avoided me while he adjusted his clothes, I went to him, the I held him tight, he stammered something like "now it does not give, or someone can reach" ... I held his face with a serious expression, and forced him to kiss me ... his hands on my chest, pulled me away ... I looked him steady, "you will not Do this to me! "I said, I felt myself shaking inside ... he left me there, and hurried out of the house.

The fact check was inevitable, he got up looking for an imaginary watch on his wrist, avoided seeing me naked, "I have to go there" ... I got up, I avoided while I adjusted his clothes, I went to him, The I held him tight, he stammered something like "now it does not give, or someone can reach" ... I held his face with a serious expression, and forced him to kiss me ... his hands on my chest pulled me away , He left me there, and left the house in a hurry.

Somehow I think I've been standing there for many, many years, waiting for him to stop in the middle of the stairs, or come back, and kiss me, or give me a hug, sometimes when I think, I see him at least looking back ...

But life goes in a unique direction that we build with our choices ... before that day, we had dated a lot, today I know that it was dating, we went to the mall, we stayed until late at the bar, where our souls touched ... more that person He was not the person he 'wanted to be', more than he longed to fit in, to be part of that whole religious system ... and created mechanisms to survive there ... and that distorts anyone ...

The image of him still causes me a commotion a very strong emotion, because I have long followed this same path of him, to be what others expected of me, which gave joy, pride to this whole system, that culture that lovingly projected my Prison cell.

Neythan for me, remains in a past that I remember fondly, which contains the experiences that led me to choose to live my most primary self, I can not forget or despise someone in whom I saw my soul reflected.

However I believe that at best I am for Neythan today, as a very old photo, whose character is erased, and we do not question or we can remember who it was ... in a scenario in which I had importance in the past of Neythan , I would be a faceless ghost or identity, which only reflects a part of him, and his past life, which he prefers to keep in oblivion, buried.

We certainly go through the same confrontations, fears, and even internal terrors.

Did he really find his way?

Could it be that he was able to shape himself according to his goals?

Without deforming your character, or using different personalities and dual lives?

Hope so!

For a while after that, I did not see him ... I wrote to him, I think that was my mistake, I exposed a wound in his chest that could be, and I think we both did not feel well ...

He did not speak to me, I met him socially in the meetings of our religion, I spoke to him, I asked him, he ignored me, he looked me in the eyes with attention, as if I were silent, neither he nor I were ready for the consequences Of the answers we sought ...

He spent more time, and went to visit me at home with some friends in common, to tell me that he was going to return to his homeland, to his family, finished the course he had come to do ... told me I perceived his gentle excitement, he Was full of hope in the eyes, had reasons for it, was young, going towards another restart ... I felt afraid for him, after all I loved him, as a friend, partner, and everything else that could have been!

I know that Neythan Restart your life at other times, even very young, Neythan was already stuck in a cycle of memories, melancholy homesickness, old inside, carrying so many lives ... much more than the memories of what he experienced, I saw in His always passionate gaze, the memories of the imagination, all that he could have lived!

"While this may reflect the reality of many young religious who find themselves confronted with discoveries of their homosexuality or bisexuality during the construction of their indenities, any resemblance to a story you know will only have been , Just a coincidence!